Grief & Loss

Today is the first anniversary of my sister in law's death. Tomorrow would be her birthday. And the fact that a year has passed doesn't seem possible except for the grief I've seen my most loved one go through. I can easily say this past year has been the absolute hardest of our lives. Most of the time I felt like an observer and not an active participant. Watching the person you love the most get swallowed whole by helplessness and grief is a lonely indescribable feeling. I can't even imagine the feelings that must have been consuming him. 

One year and one week ago there was hope. There was a clinical trial. Surgery complications erased all hope and replaced them with goodbyes. The entire time I kept telling Chris to choose hope. I feel wrong for doing that now. Hope and joy seem elusive, like rare visitors.

I won't pretend that my sister in law and I were best friends but I can tell you about her love of dressing her kids. We had kids six weeks apart (my first and her second). On a visit to their house she introduced me to Gymboree and a forum called Gymbofriends. The members of this site discussed clothes, matches, new lines, for Gymboree but also other major brands. She introduced me to Hanna Andersson, Matilda Jane, Mini Boden, and so many more. Every time we met, we shopped. She'd grab deals for me, or I'd call her from a store asking if she was interested in an outfit on sale. It's where my love of kids' clothes started. 

Often we didn't get hand me downs because she was great at making deals on Ebay. After she passed, her mother in law mailed me a box of children's clothes that were outgrown. As I went through the box I was flooded with thoughts of her picking out these pieces. It took me awhile to make it through the tears. 

She probably wouldn't want me to post her picture. In fact most people didn't know she was sick but it felt wrong not to mention this anniversary. I hope this weekend you'll hug your loved ones tight and say a little prayer for my family. We'll be together, eating red velvet cake (her favorite), and sharing memories.